there needs to be a month between august and september
son i have news for you
Im in lidl and i just picked up a really manky bunch of bananas to look at it and a man came up behind me and whispered “glad my banana doesnt look like that” right in my ear and now im hiding in the bread section
This man has now stolen something from lidl and they are chasing him down the street
[AGGRESSIVELY APOLOGIZES FOR BEING A BAD FRIEND AND AN UNPLEASANT PERSON TO BE AROUND]
why does facebook chat only work when my message contains the words Mark Zuckerburg right now
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
when your family makes fun of something you’re passionate about and then claim they were ‘just teasing’
if you go to hell for being bad why wouldn’t satan reward you for it why does he make you suffer wtf id be like hell yeah motherfucker you my nigga lets party
i started to laugh and then i realized that this is actually a really valid question
Alternatively, if Satan punishes sinners, why isn’t he considered good?
If the Pope dies, is he being promoted or fired?
We’re becoming self aware
We are not staying at Moe’s.
Maggie’s already drunk on the fumes.
And she’s a mean drunk.
what do you mean not everyone has a toilet that washes and massages your butt
Wait there are toilets like that?
what an incredible experience it must be
im mildly concerned about something labeled “turbo” going near my butt
Six complaints to the BBC about last Saturday’s same-sex kiss on Doctor Who.
Over eight hundred complaints about the Great British Bake Off’s baked Alaska scandal.
I love this country.
people who write gorgeous metaphors and make comparisons
and i’m like
"he walked forward and got there."
all girls are fucking beautiful and if you try to make them feel like they aren’t because they have fuzzy legs or chubby bellies fuck you